idiocy of the ostentatious

She weasels past

in a disco shaded gallop,

dropping trou

but only in her mind.

New York's gone retro

for a wink in her honor;

she is wit beneath

the idiocy

of the ostentatious.

And yet she's howling mute,

rendered silent in her fury,

still locking horns

with seething demons in her head,

trapping an overpowering sense

of righteous wrong

left empty -

turning, bending, twisting

in on itself.

She felt her life flashing

between her eyes,

falling down into sickness

and up into the laundry hamper.

But still she's turning, bending, twisting

in on herself.

And still she's shaking, writhing, falling

onto her sword

of Damocles,

chased by a whiskey

with always the work

left to do.

Season's Greetings

The air stands heavy

and thick as mold -

though not nearly so inviting -

as a sweet December

squats rotting Saint Nick


midst a wind-blown snot-dusted ice sculpture called life.

It's Christmastime

for Charlie Brown

as Linus makes love to his blanket

and Lucy mixes cocktails

of Bourbon and Bacon

for Peppermint Patty

and nobody else.

The Puget Sound of Wayward Wasting

I walk down

hallways

of smoke and stucco,



my kicks scuffing

frayed braids

of thrift store bounty.

I float past

the ringing

of party lines calling,

through kitchens

caught avocado

and dining rooms

born singing silent.


I echo down

basements

through backyards to alleys,

then trip on

corner curbs

to vacant lots

even the plum trees scorn.


A gray splash

of rain drops,

melting my remembrance

toward the Puget Sound

of wayward wasting

here

but no less wasting away.

Memories, like the horrors of my mind

My childhood memories

in the light

remain threadbare,

the core hiding hideous

in the muck

of my mind.

Still, they fracture

my senses broken

punched up from

those hidden bygones -

they illuminate

my present horrors

from down in

those dark recesses -

where I dare not follow

lest be consumed whole

and vanish into

the bad old past

for good.

sunday funnies

The cold gun metal

pressed against my temple

is trying to tell me something,

perhaps.

Her razor soft warning

sliced into my longing

is worth a gun's chilled muzzle,

almost.

The acid washed Levis

wrapped around her leaving

are fading into the ether,

a ghost.

The empty bottles

of Grey Goose and Effexor

are dancing on the ceiling

of my dreams.

At least until the barrel

full of monkeys and munitions

has warmed to its calling

in a white hot flash of brilliant blue.

Falling

she grows aloof,

i fall afield;

she's calm serene,

i rage away.

an autumn sun

bonfires the sky.

october blues

melt yellow to orange,

a gorgeous nonsense,

where acid laced donuts

choke sad sacks lost

into the waxy white

winter to come.

The Throbbing Numb

My mind is awash

in the joyful filth of thought

until a wayward worry

scrubs it glassine clean.


I can't write my way

out of this spic 'n span,

hard as diamond

without the sparkle;

I can't think my way

clear of this sanitary muck,

a throb keeping time

to the beat of my breath.

----

Life for me

is but a raw nerve exposed,

torn asunder

lest stoned to stasis,

holding at bay

the fever and flavor,

baking in nothing

but the throbbing numb.

Almonds & Sulfur

the breeze died empty

on this autumn weekend,

set free to vanquish

into sunday funnies,

her short breath tart

of almonds and sulfur.

the night keeps edging

my reckoning to the sidelines,

for a while past echoes

until at last no longer

yet still sadly yearning

for the comfort and the stupors

of a tanqueray morning

drained dry.

Resolve

She burned cold

then broke down.

He turned south

then caught empty.

We came apart

then ached together.

We lost, naive;

then found resolve

hoping to err,

human as we were,

on the side of angels.

Summer Unbounded

Her melt into happiness

on the tip of my tongue

clots my bloodstream a river

of cappuccino steam

until a stroke of luck

cools me down



to a drip and a drop.

Our capillaries winded last past whimsy

with the rhythm and blues

of a gasping window AC unit

playing harmony to our ecstasy

as we wring sheets of sweat from the mattress,





safe for a moment

from a summer unbounded.

Gone Daddy Gone

A Coca Cola Coffin.

A Marblesque Bobble-headstone.

A Plexiglass Lava Lamp Urn

with Racing Stripes.

Some kind words,

or at least some kind of words.

Appeasement and appeals

to the gods and angels

that they welcome our loved one "home."

The rituals of a species

still early in their evolution.

We bury, we burn, we stuff.

We entomb and mummify

and jettison to the sea.

We conjure up fantastic scenarios

of reunited ghostly bliss

to quell that most primal of fears:

the absence of consciousness,

the disappearance of self.



What a horrific thought,

that something

- everything -

can in a quiet instant

become the void.

We think of that place

as a bottomless solitude,

ascribe emotions

to what is by definition their absence.

This is perhaps to me

the most merciful thing of all:

you're never around

anymore to deal

with what has happened to you.


You are gone, daddy.

Gone.

Cold Into Coffee

He hasn't the strength

to dream weary to his weakness

let alone the lift

to muscle out from his bygones.

She's only a tickle

in the lost recesses

of a mind but for that unkempt,

a psyche otherwise unmade.

The bedroom door

peels eaten, flakes forlorn

ground down by withering wanderlust

in the palm of its only handler.

The shower head bleeds

onto caulk-crusted porcelain.

Toweling off dawn's regret,

he faces the toothpaste, mirror and music

of another day.


Blending cold into the coffee as always.

Ode To Nancy Botwin

She sweetens the light

at the end of my tunnel,

leaking of mystery

caught wayward fantastic.

--

I open my fridge

seeking florescent solace

bleeding of boredom

and anti-depressants.

--

She comes once a week

in through liquid hot crystal

and lasts half an hour,

fading back into the ether.

--

I welcome her home

to my sunny delusions

then sour and sigh

amidst scenes of my sickness.

--

I am bathed in the maraschino

cherry of exhaustion

at half past tomorrow,

dull eyed with regret.

--

She's only a notion

but always my savior

if just 'til hiatus

when it dies of exposure.

--

Her wicked wide eye drops

to a promise born broken

in an eggshell of blues

with the yoke torn and running

--

like a nose choked with coke,

blowing out shards of horse shit

gummed to my optimism

like the sole of an unfortunate shoe.

Broken Bell Bottom Blues

She was perfect

in every flaw.

He was hopeless

but looking up.

Just your average

sad sack couple

born of hard shell

fecal magnificence

festering around a chicken shit

suburban core.

This early morning quiet

remembrance

waxes my ears, sears my mind

silly.

Through it all

the sun still she rises

and the crows collect payment,

mockingly.

The Walmart Empire

finds its footing

even as our sad sacks fade

into avocado

deep pile purgatory,

their dancing days short-lived

yet so sour sweet.

Memorial Sap

Memorial tree sap pastes my car

until the garden hose and chamois sponge it clean.

If only memories could be vanquished

with a turn of the spicket, a touch of elbow grease.

Father bleeds into my mind's eye,

all indigo camel, jaundiced bottom shelf;

Mother's wheels grinding behind him,

all stink-eye pasty, acid tongued whiplash.

People say I have her nose and self pity;

I have his eyes and liver.

The spitting image, but it matters little.

Dissolving ghostly bygones

into the present tense,

I breath a sigh of relief half restrained

and go about my day,

these remembrances pasted still to my tomorrows.

The Ol' Neighborhood (Plum Crazy)

Summer, 1970.

Violent trees of violet plums

stand guard over our homes

'tween the sidewalk and the street

of my childhood hallucinations.

I climb into the branches of our digestive majesty

and survey the neighborhood's blossoming decay:

Look, there's a pickled Arlene Warfield three doors down

making quiet sick into her flower bed with grace.

Look, here's my father clumsy fumbling toward the curb

'neath my purple camouflaged catbird seat

before mounting his trusty Mercury Comet,

the sonic blast of mufferless combustion

signifying another cattle drive underway

'cross suburban prairies to liquor store ecstasy.

Dad, the shakiest gun in the (North) West.

Dad, slow drawing double barreled bourbon.

Dad, outmatched by six shooter cirrhosis.

---

I pick off a plum and suck out the pulp,

amusing myself with malignant metaphors

drifting nowhere and serving scant purpose

until nature absconds me to the ground,

rushing my ass toward the family confessional

that is our only and blessed toilet.

I learned, that day, two stark truisms

which have never wavered through time and tribulation:

human beings can be quite dead while busy living

and plums are simply prunes in hydrating disguise.

Easy Joy

As a child,

there was such effortless joy:

riding an imaginary horse

with a banana seat saddle

and streamers for ears,

a hot water heater box

transformed into a fort,

the arrival of a traveling 

carnival come to town.

...

Now the daylight fades 

into diamond dust

and I take a breath

then turn away, unmoved.

----

I've learned so much,

grown so old.

--

Too wise now, it seems, for easy joy.

Stone Cold Insomnia ('05 Summer Delirium Dreams)

I feel cold.

Another August daylight is fast approaching

but I'm oblivious to time

just as sleep finds no purchase

in any of my remembrances,

as the drip drop of sink filth

wets the toothpaste caked porcelain.

Dawn's noises outside are muted,

echoing emptiness nonetheless.

Or are they simply my disease

projecting out onto the street?

Stillborn, I starve on starlit sunrises

with world-weary pizza,

too drunk to dream (too cheesed to notice).

Too numb to scream.

But I do.

And I feel.

Cold.

Straining through the condensation,

a summer drizzle of freezing sweat

steaming down my spine.

***********

Can I have fries with these shakes?

The Unbearable Lightness of Beefheart

Captain Beefheart

copped me the keys

to an asylum wonderland,

noise akimbo staccato.

Bestowing rosy crows

of joyous madness

juxtaposing rhythms

just as weird and wired and right.

To ramshackle his aura

in full aural angst

is to play a game of twister

with porcupines and power lines.

Please buck your instincts

and appreciate this terrible beauty

through prisms askew

surrounding you on terms unnerving,

from your tongue to your toes

as the free range octaves

whisper down your blind side.

The Final Peel (Dreamland Fog)

She peels my mind

like a grape out of season,

keeping the platitudes

from the reach of my mouth.

Compulsively itchy,

she's a mammoth wooly blanket,

stinking of casinos

and new money dung.

I remain ever clear

through the forest of my anger,

just a slick twist unstapled

yet hard wired to my fear.

Begging the fog,

"Please masquerade my confabulations!"

And coax me gently

from the raincoat jello shakes.

Blur me resolute

and absolutely fabulous

with delusions of Disney

painting shut my Looney Tunes.

I need the fog of dreamland

when my furniture finally passes;

my best friend, my chair,

of malignant bad posture.

I need the fog of dreamland

when the night keeps its promises

of smoldering loneliness

even television can't consume.

With my gills gone gray on grime,

the fog drifts me asunder

coating my mind's eye

to a soft focus rose.

Peptic, vaguely pompous,

my fog frees me from the vanquished,

as even the grotesque flee,

making sick at my sight.

I share with them their nausea,

I am stillborn of their nausea,

I am master of their nausea

embodying its essence,

while watching my entrails

twist in the wind.

Of Sal Bass and Other Concerns

I'm colder than a February

salmon out of season,

aching for her warm caress

to fold me into slumberland.

The rain runs down the periphery

of the cracks within my conscience,

a chill and wet I've known too well

without umbrella or galoshes.

April looms across the damp

of March distended and corroded;

teasing, loving, sour sarcastic,

she drains me for the springtime thaw.

Yet still distant sirens

splash curbside vendors

struggling for dominance

in city scape paintings.

The perpetual motion

of life lived elsewhere,

contrasts with the rigor

of my hardened self portrait.

The colors run

down the easel,

frightful from me

until I'm translucent gone.

Real, real gone.

The Neighborhood Handyman

My Dad lay passed out in a neighbor's upstairs bathroom in the tub. His toolbox had been propped open next to him, a half empty bottle of whiskey poking up among the pipe wrenches and other equipment in it. I stood over him, frozen. What should I do? Run down the stairs and out the front door, pretending I never came back? Try and wake him up? This latter move might just be worse if he's as in the bag as his slobbering snore indicates. The choice was made then: I ran.

And thus ended my Dad's very short career comeback as the neighborhood handyman. But it all started a month or so earlier. Well, not exactly. Really it had been ongoing for many years.

Dad had steadily become unemployable to the regular nine-to-five rank and file over the years leading up to the tub incident. It wasn't all that big a town we lived in and he managed to drink his way into and then back out of pretty much all the companies that needed a plumbing supply salesman.

Even the alcoholics among Dad's sundry bosses had gradually thrown in the towel with him after a few dances. And by the second or third generation of Dad's career transitions, a high percentage of his hiring managers were raging alcoholics (that's bound to happen when you go job hunting primarily from the vantage point of a bar stool). Those whose boozing buddy loyalty instincts outweighed their fiduciary responsibilities eventually either drank themselves to death or at least out of any positions of influence that could protect Dad's ass from the boot.

Dad drifted into odd jobs and seasonal work after his chosen profession up and ran from him. The only one of these part time jobs I remember distinctly was his stint as a 'peace officer' with Northwest Protection Service (I can still picture his 'police' jacket with company logo and fake badge hanging up in the hall closet).

He got minimum wage to sit in a chair overnight next to the outdoor summer sale merchandise racked up in front of Kmart. There was enough shit that I guess it was cheaper to hire a guard than to haul it in and out of the store each day.

I'm not sure what Dad could have done had criminal types decided they wanted to make off with the inventory (it's not like he had a weapon; not even a club or mace). I guess he could have taken his lit cigarette, dropped it into his ever-present bottle of whiskey, and heaved it after the would-be thieves, Molotov Cocktail style. (By day, mild mannered couch-bound lush. But when night arrives, he is transformed into Whiskey Man: crime fighting Northwest protector of truth, justice and the American swing set.)

Regardless, Dad sat vigilant guard over bicycles, patio furniture and lawn mowers. Lt. Columbo, Sgt. Friday, One Adam-12, Serpico. The one incorruptible cop. Dum Da Dum Dum. That's my Dad! Couldn't wait for career day at school!

The truth is, I loved Dad's Northwest Protection job more than all the others, simply because he often brought his work home with him in the morning in the form of pilfered toys for me. I was on the receiving end of a pitch-n-catch trampoline-style baseball backstop along with a number of other items we otherwise couldn't have afforded. He was a fountain of ill-gotten gifts all around for the family during this summertime blue-light sentry duty. Likely the store would have suffered fewer loses had they simply left the stuff unguarded.

But that kind of work wouldn't pay the bills and didn't last long in any event; he needed something steadier. One of our neighbors, Austin, was a commercial artist and he volunteered to draft up some brochures hailing the "Return of the Neighborhood Handyman" in an attempt at a career revitalization for the old man. It was very nice of Austin and I really wish I had kept a few of those pamphlets around as a keepsake.

Austin's kids and I distributed these handyman leaflets like newspapers to doorsteps all around our neighborhood. The picture on the cover was a caricature of Dad, a tall lanky fellow, staggering under the weight of an overflowing tool belt filled with screwdrivers, tape measures, pipe wrenches, saws, etc. It was a bit like the picture on the left here.

Austin should have sketched in a couple of fifths of booze tucked safely away in Dad's pockets on the front of those pamphlets if he had adhered more strictly to the adage 'truth in advertising.' Whiskey topped Dad's list of the most essential tools of his trade and it didn't even make the cover! Sadly, he'd prove that out in this failed attempt as an independent business man, much to my embarrassment and his continued economic decline. Which brings us back to where we started. The tub. Almost.

The first customer who came calling was a homeowner several blocks north of us, a person we didn't know who had nonetheless been taken by the unique advertisement placed on his doorstep. The guy wasn't disappointed: Dad fixed their leaky faucet quickly and efficiently, with yours truly by his side as faithful assistant. (It was summer and this eight year old was either bored or goaded into servitude, I honestly don't remember which.)

The second customer was not so fortunate. These were neighbors we were friendly with, just around the corner. I knew the kids there, as did my sister. Theirs was a big house, they were fairly well off as I recall (the father was a physician). They had a complex job for the old man, something related to the installation of all new fixtures in one of the upstairs bathrooms. It was monotonous work and I wandered off to do kid stuff after watching Dad for a bit.

That was a mistake.

When I came back to the neighbor house a few hours later to see how Dad was progressing, well ... he was tubthumping, but I already went over that. And then I ran. I'm not sure if the neighbors stumbled upon Dad snoring among the rubber duckies or if he finally came to and managed to slither away sight unseen. I do know that he never went back to the neighbor house to finish and never received any payment from them for services rendered prior to his siesta. The argument that ensued between Mom and Dad made it clear that no check would be forthcoming, and the phone never rang for his handyman talents from that point forward.

I felt guilty a long time afterward for leaving Dad to his own devices. On the off-chance I forgot, Mom made sure to remind me loud and often. I had left my post. That's why he got shitfaced and screwed everything up. Makes sense.

Thus became the Exile of the Neighborhood Handyman. A one hit wonder. We hardly knew ye

Jane into the Now

She walks past, tense; into the now, oblique.

Dressed darker than damaged

in winter's last vestige,

she refracts light bent back inward,

luminescent from within.

But I feel it, her radiance;

I sense it without perception,

a welcome change to be swayed

back out of my head.

She rains down reason on me without words,

laughing softer than sane

and warm to my weird.

Shot with a tremble and her world weary sigh,

she slays me spent

toward past feigned redemptions.

Still, clawing need and knotted nerves

tear me up when we touch,

only at long last dissipating through

into her pools of blackened blue

while the Velvets serenade

on a rage of New York cool,

reflecting back a fragment

of the essence of her smile.

Musing on Claustrophobia in a Snowstorm

She's soft like pastels in a water color muddle,

determined to the fault line;

cracking open, tearing closed.

She's breaking, then crying,

then sobbing with anger.

Then a commercial for Lenscrafters

as I bear passive witness on the couch.

My walls breathe down on me;

sponge-painted, closing in.

Snow bound and fear bound and thought bound

and wound taunt to tearing.

Fury.

Seething.

Shaking.

The tectonic plates shift beneath

a calm disposition as I smile, agreeable.

Seething.

And strapped into distraction from all that,

watching Aquos and Macintosh

play substitute for life.

A Fortified look through the Past

I'm officially cheered up with my new favorite web site, Modern Drunkard Magazine.

I came across this gem when attempting to google up some repressed childhood memories through good ol' brand association (in this particular case, Gallo Tavola Red jug wine: good for staining the insides of mothers and coffee mugs alike, at least in my experience). I really just wanted a picture for the dysfunctional family scrapbook I'm compiling. (What do braided rugs, Van Gogh's Sunflowers, a haze of smoke, cheap jug wine and whiskey have in common? My living room growing up!)

I finally found what I was grepping for on Modern Drunkard but it's tough to come up with an appropriately specific query for the product "Tavola Red" when it translates in Italian literally to "red table wine." As you can imagine, that's like looking for "pilser beer": there's gobs of it. Plus Ernest and Julio became yuppie snobs in the 1980s and cut back on a lot of their more, well let's just say 'foundational' stock (thanks a lot, Gordon Gecko).

My vino suppler of choice never wavered from their roots. I speak, naturally, of Mogen David, whose motto, "when nature needs a little boost..." captivated me from the get-go. Well, it should have been their motto. MD did get a little fancy with all the different flavors of 20/20: give me basic grape - no plum supreme or ... well, whatever you have in stock, but I preferred grape. I'd like one day to tour their vineyard, or their chemical processing plant (I think they may be one and the same).

My MD 20/20 phase was short lived, mainly played out in my early 20s in the Navy and then only when we were sufficiently broke to be priced out of clubs and bars. We could always scrape up enough scratch for a cheap room - can't bring the stuff back to the ship! - and a few bottles of Mogen David's fortified fun ('Tuesday' was an especially good vintage, I recall).

The mall arcades and movies took on an enhanced hue with a few swigs of the grape stuff. Since we couldn't afford bars and clubs - would we be drinking purple turpentine otherwise? - we terrorized the mall denizens instead.

I do remember one horrifying Saturday night around 11:45pm when we realized it was almost midnight and we were out of MD. We staggered across a heavily trafficked six lane highway at full stride, racing to beat the buzzer when Virginia's Sunday blue laws ticked into place, and the drug store booze fridge ("best served chilled") was padlocked until Monday. That would have put a real crimp in our Saturday night. We did make the cut but ended up dropping half the six bottles we purchased in our drunken glee (polishing off the others as we stumbled back toward the mall).

Sometimes we mixed it up and substituted 20/20 with Wild Irish Rose (WIR). WIR was an appropriate acronym as that was precisely the sound reverberating through your head the next day after a night ingesting that putrid shit (WWWWIIIIRRRRRRR!). When our first two choices weren't available, we just kept going down the list: Thunderbird, Night train, etc.

For whatever reason, beer was never considered - not enough bang for the buck, so to speak. We'd save beer for clubs, bars, etc.

Ahh, yes - Good times, indeed.

We were stuck without car, money or confidence in anything. Told time and again that our kind was despised by the townies before we ever set foot on dry land there (we jokingly referred to the town as No-fuck, Virginia). On top of that, we had the mark of the beast, the scarlet letter: our bad haircuts with the telltale taper above the collar, marking us as military. This was 1984 in a town where the younger locals grew their hair long precisely to 'clarify' such things. Some of the more creative among us attempted to wear "civilian" wigs, but that just made you look as desperate as we all felt anyway.

Wandering the highways and byways of Norfolk and Virginia Beach in groups of three, four, five with shitty clothes and pasty complexions borne from months in the bowels of floating gray prisons.

No wonder we became wine-o connoisseurs. Sort of a very low rent East Coast Sideways running on an endless loop, with the Military Circle Mall and its surroundings substituting for northern California wine country.

Yes, revisionist history is a fine thing, whether political or personal. Of course. Just like Sideways. Definitely. Memories should be like cars: you get to trade them in on new ones every so often. The depreciation rates, though, will vary.